Welcome to my first instructional guide to surviving the banalities of life! If you’re like me (and considering my readers are comprised of friends and family, I’m guessing that you are), you sometimes have to sacrifice convenience for budgetary concerns. But that’s no reason not to get the most out of whatever low-budget predicament that you’ve managed to get yourself into. Sometimes you just have to stretch those tens of dollars just a little further, and I’m here to help you learn the tricks that I’ve come up with to get you to that goal. But before you can get to wherever that you’re going, and begin spending your rent money on nostalgic baubles and touristy crap, you need to need to actually physically transport yourself from where you are to where you want to go.

Airplanes are amazing, but having to plan out your excursion at least a month in advance can be a little overwhelming. Who knows what’s going to happen thirty days from now, or if your boss will even remember to honor your time-off request (you did remember to submit one, right?), or if that weeping sore around your ankle will keep growing, forcing you drop your novelty [insert destination city] t-shirt and commemorative shot glass cash on a trip to the doctor’s office and some sort of fancy topical wonder drug? That leaves cars, buses, bicycles, trains, or just hitchhiking. If it’s a journey to be undertaken by more than just one person, we can automatically eliminate the bike or thumbing down the freeway options. It’s highly doubtful that you have the time or fitness level to make the trip on human power alone, and if you’ve got a kid (or more), the best you can hope to accomplish is a couple miles distant from your front door.

Cars might seem like the next best option, but I assure you they are not. There’s the fluctuating gas prices as you pass from state to state, and the constant hunt for serviceable restrooms, because members of your party can’t hold it in long enough to make it to the Rest Stop. And if you can’t drive straight through the night, you’ll probably need to shell out a little more for a hotel room. Then there’s parking, depending on your destination. Oh, and can’t forget figuring out directions if you can’t afford a GPS. Factor in some money socked away should catastrophe occur, and we’ve all but ruled the mighty horseless carriage out. However, if you can cash in a favor, and talk a friend into playing taxi, it might be worth reconsidering.

I guess that you could take a bus to wherever you are going, but… I don’t imagine that that’s an avenue we’re truly interested in exploring. If you have to take the bus to start off on your journey, just stay at home and lock yourself into the closet and breathe in dirty laundry for much the same effect, with the added benefit of being able to get out whenever you might wish. Also, slightly more leg room.

So, with every other option now exhausted, we turn our gaze to the once-mighty backbone of the American Experience: The railway. The prices stay the same whether you book passage today or half a year distant from tomorrow, and the rates are slightly cheaper than what an airline is likely to have on offer. You buy your tickets, pack your bags, and head down to the Amtrak station. How, you might be asking, can you make the most of this scenic and sedentary travel?

1) Buy snacks and drinks to take along with you. The menu options are outrageous, and the average price of a candy bar is just above $2. They offer food on the train because they’d rather not see anybody starve, but if you want to make it off the train with your bank account intact, don’t indulge too heavily or frequently in the fully staffed mobile minibar.

2) Bring some form of entertainment. Books are great, as you can while away a journey lost in the adventures of another, but also moderately cumbersome, so I recommend a decent brand of e-reader. Make sure you load it up with books before you start your trip, as there isn’t any Wi-Fi except on designated lines.

3) You should have something to listen to, so as to avoid a conversation with a stranger, or possibly your family. Bring headphones along as well, as not everyone enjoys the early recordings of Metallica.

4) If you have a tablet for your kids, make sure to download whatever videos you want them to veg out to so that you can sleep. Don’t worry about variety: they’re kids, and can watch the same show over and over with out ever getting bored. If you can, bring headphones for them as well, unless you’re willing to risk opening yourself up to random introductions.

5) If the trip will last longer than twelve hours, seriously consider springing for a family cabin, or at least a single sleeper. I know we’re on a financial tightrope, but you can platoon the bed among you (think of it as an investment against your chiropractor’s yacht), and it can easily be afforded if you are willing to get rid of most of the electronic clutter strewn around your child’s bedroom.

6) If you are a smoker, I wish you the best of luck. There are not that many stops long enough to pop quickly out and light one up, so I’ve thought of some alternatives:

6a) Consider quitting smoking. Apparently it’s supposed to do wonders for your lungs and pocketbook. No? Yeah, I was laughing too.

6b) Nicotine patches can be effective, but I always feel a little too buzzed off the nicotine, yet still crave the flavor of a cigarette.

6c) The gum and lozenges seem like they would be a better choice, oral fixation and all, but the nicotine dripping down your throat is not the most pleasant of flavors.

6d) I guess that leaves e-cigarettes. Most people still get fairly upset if they see you simulating a good smoke, so just head down to the lavatory for a quick puff or twenty, before returning to your seat.

7) Didn’t have the money to afford sleeping accommodations? That’s okay, just pop the leg rest and ratchet back the seat, and you will find yourself in an almost, but not entirely, unbearable position. It won’t matter how you contort yourself to try and fit yourself into the seat: the body of a thirty-something is not meant to bend that way at all. Try to score some sleep aids or muscle relaxants.

Good luck on your journey, and have fun in [insert destination city]! I hope this little guide will help you survive until you get there. Until next time, this is Tex Batmart saying, “Can I borrow a dollar?”

-Tex

(Tex and his family are currently at the mercy of the Coast Starlight. They hope to arrive back home sometime tomorrow morning. Wish them luck!)