In the past, I’ve mostly used these Sentimental Drivel posts to talk about loss, but I thought I’d try something different this time. Maybe it’s because it’s Thanksgiving and I’ve been told that I have to be thankful for something. And I am, in a way. It’s just hard for me to express my gratitude, as it means opening up and letting others in. I mean, I’ve written lots about mental illness on this blog, and many other personal things, but I’ve usually had some other reason for doing so, and besides, it’s always been easier for me to write about pain than joy. So let’s give it a try and see what I can do.

Though I’m not currently even remotely okay, I know that it could always be much worse, and that there are many people in my life who actually care for me, and want the best for me. Maybe this is hard for me because I never learned how to accept praise or love without worrying that it would come to a ruinous outcome. That I would somehow not live up to expectations, and have to face abandonment or ridicule. I should know better, but it’s been so ingrained in me for so long that my first instinct is to shut down and distance myself before I can get hurt.

Okay, so this isn’t starting out too promising. Lots of pain still. I’d write something funny, but I can’t seem to find it in me at the moment. Well, we’ll power ahead anyway, and see where this all leads. Hell, we could even wind up with rainbows and puppies.

But this is for my friends and family. Well, my Family. My friends (all three of them) have been so for so long, that I consider them siblings, which is nice, as I’m an only child. We’ve been through hell and back, all the while making sure that we never went through it alone. To this day they are ready to be at my side, and I at theirs (though I honestly don’t know how much help I’ll be at this present time). It’s hard for me to say, but I do truly love them as if we were bound by blood, and couldn’t face the emptiness the world without them.

And then there’s my grandchildren: a source of joy throughout my life, they brighten every moment of the year. They remind me of my son when he was younger, and give me another chance to see a world of wonder through their eyes. My grandson is overflowing with ideas and stories, and every time he’s over, he regales with with his tales. My granddaughter tackles me when she arrives, giving me a bear hug and telling me she loves me. They are both so sweet and loving that they almost restore my faith in humanity.

My step-daughter is a whirling dervish of creativity, and reminds me of myself when I was younger, and my son-in-law is a giant teddy bear of a man, who ,loves her dearly. I am glad that they are family, and with their children, make a warm and inviting home away from home.

I suppose it’s time to turn my gaze to my not-so-little Monkey Man. He is so much like me that sometimes I worry, but then I remember that he doesn’t suffer from mental illness, and I can stop and appreciate how I might have been, were it not for my own. Being his father is a privilege, and though I look forward to his 18th birthday and the beginning of his own adventure, I know that I will miss him as he is now, much as I already miss the version of him when he was just a child.

And then there is my wife, the light of my life, the love I’d always wanted. To her I give my thanks for nearly 20 years of putting up with my bullshit and eccentricities. If she wasn’t such a wonderful human being (quite probably my favorite), she would have left me years ago for someone who could give her the life and love that she deserved, but for some reason she sticks with me. She supports me in every way, and I do my best to let her know how much I love her.

For my family in Washington, I wish that you all were closer, so we could see you more, but none of you want to move to California, so I suppose we’ll just have to remain apart by the size of Oregon.

See? I did it! I brought this back to happy from the brink of despair. It’s definitely not the best thing I’ve written, but I think it’s got some moments. No jokes, though. I’ll have to work on that in the future. I’m going to go now, as it’s time to start thinking about getting ready to go off and do the whole Thanksgiving thing, but I’ll leave you with a final thought:

Be kind, be loving, don’t take anything or anyone for granted. It’s a short ride on this blue marble of ours, far too short for hate and division. Embrace your friends, embrace your family, and embrace your neighbor (but not the one upstairs that blasts reggaeton at all hours, because fuck that guy!). Make jokes, make memories, and make it a life worth living. Take a moment to find the beauty in the world, be it a sunset or a simple moment with the one or ones you love.