You may or may not have noticed the button on the right of the screen. You know, the button for Donations. After a lot of hand wringing and soul-searching, I’ve decided that if no one wants to call me back for an interview, I need to find an alternative source of income. So I have decided to appeal to the basic decency of my readers to help me get through this next little while. I have listed a few options in the pull-down menu, and I’d like to explain them to you now:
- $5- “I Pity You” This is the introductory package for those of you who are strapped for cash, but want the privilege of feeling superior to me. Included in this package is my thanks, and possibly a poem which I have written just for you. If poetry is not your thing, I would also be willing to say something nice about you in a blog post, in addition to placing you upon the roster on our “Benefactors” Page.
- $10- “Buy Some Lunch” You’ve decided that I should probably be able to grab something to eat during the day. Thank you! As my expanding gut can surely attest, I do enjoy a midday snack. Or a 20 oz. Red Bull and a pack of smokes. In addition to a positive mention on the blog, and a place of honor on the “Benefactors” Page, I will also send you a PDF copy of a very special short story (which I cannot name right now due to business reasons). If you really would prefer a poem, I could write you one of those instead, and at the $10 level, I will make sure that it is even halfway decent.
- $25- “Eat Some Dinner” Okay, if you are donating this amount, you probably really like me, or you enjoy the blog, and I’m glad for that! At this tier, you get not only the poem, but the short story as well! I hope you like long bouts of rambling, because that is what you’re going to get! Plus, as you may have guessed, I will say something glowing about you on the blog, and put you on the “Benefactors” Page.
- $56- “Buy Some Smokes” Everyone knows that smoking makes you look at least 30% cooler, and I’m glad to see that my coolness is important to you. Obviously, you get all the cool stuff mentioned earlier, and a truly embarrassing photograph of me which you may use at some future date to ensure that I do some sort of favor for you (if it is within my power, and not demonstrably illegal). Or you can post it on Facebook and share it with the world. It’s yours: do what you want with it. And to make sure that I don’t dilute the potential for blackmail, I will send each donor at this level a unique photograph (both in RAW and JPEG format) featuring me in some sort of ridiculous scenario. I will also take suggestions, within reason (see above, favors).
- $100- “Remorse” Did you ever do something bad to me? Do you feel guilty when you think of me? That must be a terrible burden, and I’d hate to know that I was causing you any sort of pain. Why don’t you ease your suffering, and toss a Benjamin my way? I’ll feel good, you’ll feel good, and I’ll even send you the poem and short story, and publicly thank you for your generosity. Unless you really feel bad about whatever it was that you did or didn’t do. The inclusion upon the “Benefactors” Page is entirely optional at this level.
- $500- “Secret Crush” Well, this is awkward… You know I’m married, right? I mean, I’m flattered, but… Oh, what the hell. At this level, I will personally cook a homemade dinner for you if you come out to where I live and buy the ingredients I need. Travel expenses are not included. I mean, I’m begging for change on the corner of the internet. I can’t really cover airfare. You’ll get all the stuff I mentioned earlier, plus a video of me doing something either amusing or embarrassing. Also, seriously, $500? I owe you. Thank you. What the hell: you also get a mention in the dedication page of the book I’ve just started working on.
So now you know what the deal is with the Donations button. I’ve tried to bury it in humor, but really, while I’m getting stuff ready to sell on a certain website which is known for amazingly reasonably priced e-readers, I still need to find a way to pay some bills. I’m hoping that I will either get a call from one of the dozens of prospective employers who are currently in possession of my résumé, my wife wins the lottery, or some other source of riches comes my way, and I can leave this up as an amusing way to see which of my friends really want to blackmail me. Anyway, if you can help me out, awesome! If you can’t (or won’t), no worries!